Disclaimer: this is not about anyone nor written for the purpose of making anyone feel poorly about themselves...this is just me writing about my feelings and experiences...and in all honesty I wrote this a couple weeks ago during finals week when I was feeling these emotions even more.
I feel like I have so much stirring up inside and a lot to say but don't let it out. A lot about dreams, what is meaningful in life and what I'm passionate about. It's funny because at the same time I feel like I am content with life, and am at peace. But if I had to be honest, one thing that has really gotten me the most is that I have not adopted a child yet...keep reading and I'll write about that. My 21-year-old self wouldn’t think that at 31 I’d still be in school, unmarried, kid-less, not financial secure enough to be a homeowner and left Orange County for a period of time to feel like I'm starting all over again now that I'm back. And I’m a nurse but still doing babysitting and pet sitting on the side. I still care too much, and get disappointed when it isn’t returned. 10 years ago I also thought that I would not have to keep dealing with change and that life would stop throwing me so many curveballs. What a funny thought. I’m not saying that all my life is bad, or that there isn’t good in my life...because honestly there is so much good in my life and I feel that God has been right next to me every step of the way. However as I get older and realize my dreams and priorities, I get a holy discontent with the parts of life that are stagnant. That stagnation is bringing tension to my body, that I can feel quite literally at times.
So, to talk about Turner Syndrome...the crazy thing is that so many people in my life will never know what it feels like to be sitting with these things I sit with. Like what it feels like to manage a illness that will affect me the rest of my life, which includes manage a heart condition and seeing multiple specialists yearly and hoping that the conditions I have don't worsen. Taking medication daily. Worry about such things like heart surgery. Or living with a dream of being a wife and mom, but being told since birth that I could never have children of my own because I have no eggs. In the recent years I've acquired a heart condition that’s complex and the ability to even carry a child would be detrimental to my own health (if not fatal). Most female friends my age are either popping out babies like it’s nobody’s business or they’re done having kids already. And they are set in their mom groups with less time in diversified friendships...and don't get me wrong those are all good things. But I don't feel fully understood. For example, I’m of just trying to find a committed, faith centered man to date long enough that it's appropriate to tell him that for me having a family is going to look a WHOLE lot different than the "typical" woman...and that I have a chronic illness. Then see if he is on board with those details. As you can see, that’s going super great. (It's ok, you can laugh... because newsflash, I'm still not dating anyone. Haha. That's my sarcasm at work.)
One of my biggest dream is to adopt. I have been so passionate about adoption to start a family. And I have especially really wanted to adopt a child with medical needs. It serious tugs on this emotional string on mine to even picture being able to be a mom for a special needs or child with high medical needs. Because in my life, and in my short time as a nurse I have learned so much from these kids and have been so impacted by them and want to shout their worth.
The other thing with this is that as a single female I’m so freed up to take care of others, but I don’t have really anyone who is making sure I’m ok and mutually taking care of me. I don’t have someone at the end of the day who I can sit down with and talk, be each other’s safe place and hold each other up...and not even in a romantic type of way. Because I know there are some single people out there who have this amazing support system in place with friends.
This is not pity or self loathing. I’m not asking for your condolences: I’m also not trying to run away from life, make it disappear or push it under the rug. I fully intend to work through any pain, grief, tension, frustration, sadness & even anger. I don’t need answers, explanations, advice or opinions. I just needed to get this out. Because I know that life is worth living and valuing, and that I believe in a God who is so much bigger than life circumstances. (I also believe He uses life circumstances for the good of myself and others in the end.) And I count my blessings daily, literally. Like the fact that I have accomplished the dream of becoming a nurse, and am about 8 months away from becoming a nurse practitioner. That I love the maturity, increasing grace and increasing enjoyment I have experienced with each new year. That I have such a diverse group of lifelong friends. That I have air in my lungs, legs that take me places, and that I'm entering into a role with the Turner Syndrome Society that is going to be such a fun adventure! ...breaking news: I am now apart of the Board for the Turner Syndrome Society of the US!
I love you all very much and appreciate you reading. xoxo
It has most definitely been a wild start to 2019 already. There have been so many big things happening. I’m honestly still trying to wrap my head around most of it. I’ll share the big things that of been happening: 
