Saturday, October 6, 2012

Honest Ramblings of the Heart

I'm dusting off this 'ole bloggity blog.  Haven't had time to write lately.  Also, I have teetered between having writers block and having a lot to write about and not knowing where to start.  It seems like a lot has happened.  And at the same time, things in my life are mostly the same.  I know, this is all very vague thinking and writing.  I'll get down to what I have in mind to write about.

I feel the human heart/soul is almost a mysterious thing.  I am almost 26, and I feel like I am just beginning to even realize this.  What has prompted me to write this is how my heart has been dealing with family stuff that has happened a little more than a year ago (and is still going on).  When it first happened, I was in shock.  At the same time, I felt strong and close in relationship with the Father.  He definitely has carried me through it.  But now, I feel like my heart is being impacted by the hurt even more.  Like the dust has settled and the mess is a little more obvious.  It is feeling vulnerable and not as strong.  The short of it is that it has left me feeling a bit lonely, short fused, unable to handle other hardships to the best of my ability, dwelling on the worst parts of people, and also defensive.  Defensive in the sense that I feel as if I have some good people in my life who are a huge support l, but I feel that many others I care about have been a bit ambivalent and that makes me feel as if they don't exactly care.  It's like going into battle already wounded. It doesn't feel this way all the time, but it happens and it doesn't feel good.  And my reaction is to not share and to become a bit reclusive.  This is not good, because being a student while working full time already means that I am a reclusive a lot of the time. Haha.  And then I get into a funk where all I can react to is how I am feeling, when I full well know that that the very person who I have decided doesn't care has got their own pile of crud going on too.  An example of this is how in a marriage, a husband and wife can have their own stressors individually, and instead of coming together and relying on each other for support they become less available and check out.  This is one thing I am passionate to fight against!  I want honestly and unity in all important relationships and especially within the Church.  Anyway, I know that darkness is overrun by the Light.  And I am praying even more intently for light to shine through.  In the meantime, remember that the person you are dealing with who seems like they are having a hard time or may not seem themselves needs some grace.  Or if your friend is going through a tough time, just be there for them to talk when they are ready or can actually but words to what is going on--but mostly just be threre.  Plan a night out with your friend, take them to do something life giving.  I'm going to try to remember that too, and hopefully it will help the light continue to shine in my heart.

"Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful." Colossians 3:13-15 NLT