Thursday, March 19, 2015

The Tortoise & The Hare (Aka: The story of an ISFJ)

Have you ever heard of the Myers Briggs personality test? It is really quite insightful & useful in terms of understanding how a person takes things in, processes what happens to them & interprets events. My roommate is trained in giving the tests & helping understand the results. We've had fun as a household diving into our Myers Briggs results. We're nerds like that. I found out that I am an ISFJ, which stands for Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. One of the biggest thing that resonates with me in regards to this is I LOVE balance. Deep down I want to live a balanced life. Homeostasis is my friend! I want things to be "even Steven". I also cherish traditions. This has actually proved challenging to me in the last several years (especially with my family & any sort of celebrations) because we've had a lot of changes where traditions that were once standard are no longer in effect. Anyway, taking this test has really helped me understand myself better in many areas of my life. It has also helped me better identify my strengths as well as weaknesses I can work on. 

I mention all of this detail because I was talking with a very wise counselor of mine about a situation where someone close to me was on a roller coaster of emotions. My first reaction was to not get sucked into the extreme aspects of the roller coaster & to back off in a way for some distance. I mentioned that to this mentor of mine, and she said that it's really apart of my personality to sort of mellow a situation out and personally not get sucked into heightened emotions. And then I said "yes, exactly. I like balance & homeostasis!" (Light bulb moment right there!) Then she proceeded to give the fun analogy that when she thinks of balanced or homeostasis, she thinks of Aesop's fable of the tortoise and the hare. In short, I am just like the tortoise in that story. Slowly,steadily winning the race. I'm not like the hare who is bouncing all around from place to place or screaming about how far ahead he is, only to then take breaks and get distracted then come in last. It was a fun little analogy for me. Also, upon looking up famous ISFJ I found that Mother Teresa was one. Mind blown! 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

A Balancing Act

Last month the yoga studio that I am a member of did a "fitness challenge" to see if members could take 30 yoga classes in 40 days. At first I was interested and thought I would give it the best shot that I could. During the time of the challenge I was going to be traveling and housesitting. I figured I probably wouldn't get to the 40 classes, but if I could get in my normal 3 or so classes a week than that would show I am dedicated and still maintaining normalcy even though I knew I would have a busy schedule.  There was A LOT of buzz about it at the studio. About two weeks into it, I started to hear many other members in the studio talking about how they were planning to take multiple classes in a day to make up for lost time. Granted, these classes they were going to several times a day are challenging yoga sculpt classes in a heated setting.
Once this started happening, I got to thinking that people were going a little overboard. Yes, this challenge was about being a more fit person. However, it seemed that it was most definitely not creating balanced members. I believe yoga is about centering yourself & also creating balance in a hectic world. It seemed like the challenge was a bit counterintuitive to me. It got me thinking about balance in my own life. I know so deeply in my heart and in my mind that I want balance so badly. However, I don't do any favors for myself by overfilling my schedule and having to rearrange the things that are important for me.
With that said, this experience has made me realized that I am the one in control of my time and my schedule. And I have recently made some changes to my schedule and how I use my time. It is going to allow me to have a great more time for doing well in school, getting my applications in for grad school & spending time with my family/people I care dearly for. These things are the most important to me! Another important aspect of the balance, is that I know I am going to be clear headed and will be able to better give to others.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

A Different Kind of Marathon...and lessons along the way

Today's high was 81°F here in the city where I live. Even though seasons don't change too drastically here, I'm starting to feel hints of Fall in the mornings and evening. It puts a little happiness in my heart. I like the Fall a lot. (I even made a homemade soup last week because I was in a "Fall mood".) And this Fall I have a few things I'm looking forward to. One of those things is a Switchfoot concert with my oldest friend who has never seen Switchfoot. In fact, we've never gone to a concert together in the almost 14 years we've known each other! Operation Switchfoot has commenced. I will also be going to see David Crowder in concert with my dad this Fall. We are excited for a proper hoe-down. I'm also taking a trip to New York over Thanksgiving! And, depending on what grad schools I apply to, I may take a trip to Seattle. On top of all that, I am going to be taking classes & studying for a nursing grad school entrance exam that I will take in November. 

Currently, I am soaking in what is let of my summer "break" of about a month off of school. It's feels good & I am able to spend time with loved ones. I've still found ways to keep busy. Like going to grad school info sessions & researching schools. And I am working a lot on things like really trying to hear from God, seeking good counsel about nursing, relationships & communication. 

I know that I write a fair amount about school. So, I'm sorry if it feels a little bit old. It is a big part of my life though. I feel like I'm running a very long marathon of sorts. Except it doesn't involve running. But what I am doing requires so much discipline, focus & working my butt off. Lately I've noticed that my heart has been a tiny bit weary about the fact that more does lie ahead. But, there are many things that I hold onto. Like the ways that God let's me know he is there through the encouragement of others when there are valleys. And, how God has reminded me to look around & enjoy my surroundings. Just as a runner might get to run in an absolutely gorgeous landscape, I have so much beauty around me. Like the amazing, supportive and freaking wonderful family & friends I've been blessed with. Though I may not want to be shaped and molded along this journey at times, that is exactly what life and this journey is all about. I am also reminded of that. God has me right where He wants me, and it is all apart of His beautiful story. Every piece is woven in perfectly and carefully

Thursday, June 19, 2014

A Twinkle In My Eye

There have been two things stirring in me lately. The first thing is something hard to admit. Hard to talk about. I feel like it's a bit of a funny thing to bring up; but it's something in my heart that my spirit is gravitating towards. As I've written about before, I was born with a chromosomal abnormality called Turner Syndrome. There are many complications that can go along with it, and thankfully I have had to deal with very minimal complications. One of the things that is an outcome of having Turner Syndrome is infertility. Basically, if I ever wanted to have children of my own I would need to have some sort of infertility treatment. I have always been okay with this, and have always been a HUGE advocate for adoption. Deep in my heart it has been something that I've felt so strongly for. And truly it just seems like an absolutely beautiful picture of God caring for orphans and those who can't fend for themselves. I've always thought that my family would be made in a "non-biological" way. It is still a very exciting & precious thought for me. 
To bring it back to what I have been feeling lately though, is a sense of grief regarding the fact that I will not be able to have the option to also be pregnant and carry a child. I grieve the fact that something this is so commonplace is something that I will not be able to experience. I'm sure that this process is taking place more prominently now because last year my cardiologist & I had a heart to heart and she shared that it would be a risk for my heart to have the stress of carrying a baby. So, it's one of those "it wasn't an issue before, but now that I'm told I can't have it, I think it would at least be nice to have the option. The thoughts that I've been thinking lately that are part of this process in my own soul gets brought up when I see friends and people I know get pregnant and get to experience the love and support of others along the way. They have baby showers and baby announcements. There is a natural progression and sequence of events for this thing that happens in a persons life. 
But, I wonder what it will look like when I (hopefully) start a family one day. How will my friends and family respond if/when I actually adopt...not just being on board with the idea of it. Will they realize this is how my family is starting & find ways to come around me and help me start the journey of having a family. Will I even get to see the sweet child I adopt as a tiny babe? Will I get the (challenging) privileged of late night feedings and diaper changes? Or soothing the bad dreams of a toddler? Or hearing cute little footsteps down the hallway coming towards my room to crawl into bed with my and their daddy? If it's not obvious, I just absolutely love kids.
Love shaping & mold them. Love pouring into them. Getting to have an infant, toddler & elementary school child is such a unique time filled with seeing life in it's beautiful, dependent & innocent form. The specifics of this part of my life are unknown, and that it what makes it hard. And I guess that I am leaving space for my heart to move towards whatever amazing plan God has for me. To get past my own tiny little box of what I think is the best God has for me so that He can show me the vast universe of beauty and awe that He has created and has planned for me to be apart of His Kingdom advancing here on earth. A kingdom of healing, peace, restoration & love. In addition, I am going to look at every little blessing/miracle in my life that I do get to experience and not ever forget them. And I will wait and see how this "twinkle in my eye" actually pans out to look like.
Secondly, I have this big sense to do something new. I feel like I have (fundamentally) been doing the same thing for at least half my, work, church, more school...repeat. But I want to meet new people...go to a new in an entirely new place. And travel too! I guess it's a sense of wanderlust and wanting to spread my wings after not really having done so in my life. I've lived in Orange County my entire life. A girl can want a little change of scenery, right?

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Back to the beginning again

I feel like there is something big (and good) happening. In the middle of hard stuff, God is bringing me back to what matters.  To quote a Switchfoot song "back to the beginning again".  Peeling off layers and having to get down to what matters at the core.  And also allowing me to process not getting into grad school this year. It's a lot to take in.  The beautiful thing is that the last three weeks have felt a bit freeing for me.  Perhaps because I have nothing that is unknown and waiting in my life.  But I feel more spontaneous, uninhibited & not held back by fear.  A lot of this took place when I was in Hawaii two week ago...which I will write about soon.

So, a short update.  One of the amazing things that has been that I've found hot that there are many states in the US that have entry level MSN programs.  And I am going to look into them and apply if the programs match my goals and translate back to California too.  The timing is perfect because I don't think at any other point in my life I would be open to this.  It's going to require a lot of work, so if you could be keeping me in your prayers I would so greatly appreciate it.

Other things that are happening through all of this is that God has given me lots of great moments of peace and enjoyment with people who have made life even greater and filled with community.  Literally every night this week has been filled with such great quality time with people, and it has made my heart full.

I'll leave you with Switchfoot lyrics from their new album, Fading West. Happy Saturday!

Back To The Beginning Again
I can feel it building up inside
The images that play inside my mind
A dreams that I've been dreaming all my life
The colors that live outside of the lines

But dreams aren't all I hide beneath this skin
The cord is cut, the fears and doubts begin
My hope is anchored on the other side
With the colors that live outside of the lines

And the oceans roar
And the wheel's in spin
And the old chorus soars
Bring me back, bring me back to the beginning again

With the corrugated LA harbor stacks
With the weight of these machines across my back
I know a mountain road where time unwinds
But I'm busy living in a single-file line

And it all just sounds like poison on my ears
The background noise makes your voice so hard to hear
So I grit my teeth and straighten up my spine
I'm stuck in traffic on a dotted yellow line

And my heart is yours
And what a broken place it's in
But you're what I'm running for
And I want to feel the wind at my back again

Back to the beginning again
Back to the beginning again
I want to feel the wind at my back again
Back to the beginning again
Back to the beginning again
I want to feel the wind at my back again

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Results Are In

I've been head first in classes still, busting my hump to get the things done to get into graduate school.  The crazy/neat thing about blogging is that it is sort of like journaling.  You can look back and reflect on what's happened since the last time you wrote. I've finished two classes since the last blog.  And I'm smack dab in the middle of another. I know that I have to keep going on with classes and remain enrolled in community college to keep my status in the event that I am going to need more classes for another school I apply to for grad school. I have to remind myself that I do like school, I like learning, and that this is a marathon...shoot it's like a freaking Ironman competition. But we each have our own thing we our journey-ing on right?

In addition to that, I moved from my old apartment into a house with three other ladies.  It is such a great place and situation. I know that it was such a God send and He knew exactly what I needed in this place for this season.  

So, to get to the stuff you want to know about: THE GRAD SCHOOL RESULTS. I've heard back from all the schools that I've applied to. Each one was a "not accepted".  I am allowing myself to process this through the filter of how God sees me.  And how big He is.  That he has put this passion in my heart for a reason.  That it is not he who is rejecting me, but a competitive process. One of the results that I heard back from a school is they had 450 something applicants and only 60 spots.  That is a 13% chance of getting in. That is tough.  And thankfully, I am seeing the whole picture.  I will be honest here and share that it doesn't mean that it has been disappointing, frustrating, caused sadness and just been difficult. Like swimming upstream in a rough current. But, I am learning to be more free because of all of this. There is a lot of healing going on. I.n addition, the people I love have shown me so much love & support. And I am better at recognizing the good things I get to witness every day.

The hardest part is feeling so ready for this change, and this new chapter to happen but having nothing happen yet. I want a new adventure. But there are so many times when God has said to many "not yet" when they had a passion and goal.  I am waiting for the right timing.  His timing.  Right now the plan is that this Fall I will apply for some more schools to start at next year.  And I am praying that the few months from now unto then will be a sweet time of even more clarity from our Father and head first into His will. Because He is wild and free, full of His own adventures for my life and oh so good. I'm also proud of myself for stepping out & being brave by applying to more schools than I intended & was ready to jump in and move far away if I got in.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Heaven...waiting...and living the full life

Many years of my 27 years have been spent being in between two thing; being in a season of waiting for one thing to end & something that means so much & you have been longing for to start.  For example, waiting to become a teenager when you are not.  Waiting until you can start high school.  Then waiting for the day you can FINALLY get your drivers license.  After that, waiting to find out where you've gotten accepted to college.  All these exciting milestones that make us want to not be in a "waiting game".

Lately I've been doing a lot of praying and getting a lot of counsel from wise people since I am in this season that feels excruciatingly long.   I've been trying so hard for years to get into graduate school and do well in my pre-requisites.  I am also really just wanting to start the career I am passionate about, and if I am honest to have a husband and family too.  All of these things are not happening yet. Anyway, all of this wisdom I have been getting has really helped me seek deep down & gain some real truth.

You see, all these wise people keep saying "it is so hard to be waiting".  Let me tell you my theory about how everyone can relate to this.  And also how it relates to heaven.  You see, I feel like we can relate so much to this as humans and how is resonates so deep down in us because this earth is only an "in between".   A place where we are living in a world where God is here but he hasn't come back to make it perfect again.  And we haven't reached heaven yet.  All these things that I am longing for just remind me that they are such good things but really I think what I am is homesick.  But homesick for a place I do not even know of.  It's the thing of the Bible, books by C.S. Lewis and songs by my favorite band Switchfoot.  Strangely though, once I realized this, it makes me realize that really all I need is God's love.  And for Him to fill me with hope, joy, comfort, peace and His love while I am in this in between.  I know I have experienced all of these things.  And you know what, to me that is what it means go live a FULL LIFE.  And you know what, it's only going to get better because of that.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Choosing (Living the full life)

Choosing.  Life is about choices.  Big & small.  Easy & hard.  Most of the choices we make affect multiple areas of our lives.  They also have the ability to impact us years later. I have been thinking a lot about the choices we make.  There are people in my life who have definitely been hurt by the choices others have made.  Because of that, they are hyper cautious about making sure they do not make decision that will not touch or impact anyone else.  Don't make a mess, because then no one will have to get upset if they see any sort of mess .  With these people, I feel like I can't even ask then for a ride to the airport 7 minutes away when I need it, because they don't request help from anyone else in this way.  
In my mind, we are all in community & should all be there for each other.  This also involves being understanding of others (when the other person is truly repent-full, of course).  This whole concept has been relevant to my life, especially lately.  Of course I am not going to be careless with how I live my life.  And I am going to think about my actions before I do anything.  And of course I am going to think of others.  Don't get me wrong, I also understand that it can be very easy to have the "small stuff" become stressors.  But there is something inside of me that wages against letting it have presidence.
This has also got me thinking about how if life is messy, so how do I deal with it?  Exhibit A: I recently heard back from two of the graduate schools I applied to letting me know I was not accepted.  Yes, I feel loss in not getting into them.  That I wish I could hear that I was accepted, and not be in this funky season of waiting I am in.  That it didn't feel like I did a lot of hard work and it wasn't enough.  But, this is an opportunity to know that God works all things for good.  That this is all apart of my story.  God is doing something even in the middle of all of this.  And I will choose to still praise Him, seek Him, thank Him and dwell on all the ways He has provided and made a path for me in the past.  To me, it's so much more worthwhile to be filled with His goodness and the affirming things rather than but the negative things under a magnifying glass.  I'm going to press on, and press into Him more.  For we are commanded "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).  We are not promised to have a perfect life here on earth, but when we keep a heavenly focus, we can also see Him.  And heck, I am going to do that until I breathe my last breath. It is because of this that I am able to see all the places in my life God is so vitally at work, and it makes me feel like I am living such a FULL life.  I've been told that this way of always pressing onward and pressing through things despite obstacles is called grit...and I've been told I've got lots of it.  All the better for me!

Monday, August 26, 2013

In which I become the "How to loose a guy in 10 days" girl

Despite my lack of free time lately, I decided to sign up for online dating (again) a few months ago.  At first it was sslloowww.  Then, it started to pick up.  I even was matched with a surgeon who approached me!  (say what?!).  We talked and text consistently for a week.  Things seemed to be going well.  I noticed that after about our second conversation, by heart got really hopeful and in a state of dreaming that this could be a guy I maybe, possibly, potentially, slightly have a chance at dating seriously.  But then another week went by and he hadn't asked to meet me in person.  Not even for coffee.  I knew that inside of me, I did not want a technology based relationship.  Any person could seem great through the filter of typed words.  But I need to interact with someone in person.  I then got some advice to start directing our conversations by asking questions about why this surgeon decided to try online dating, his past experiences, etc. to see where the conversation went; because I didn't know where he "was at" with his own dating journey or what he was feeling about our communication.  I figured it would be a way to find out, and if he wanted to ask to meet me in person then this would be is opportunity.  Needless to say, we haven't talked in over a week since then.  I may have sort of scared him off a wee bit by being simply being slightly direct.  It felt just a teeny bit like I was that girl in the movies who dates someone for two weeks and then doesn't hear from the guy and she calls her friends saying that they had such a connection, that she loved him and they were going to live happily ever after.  Not that I went that far, but it was not difficult to get hopeful, start to wonder if things could go anywhere and also make the assumption that the reciprocating party feels the exact same way you do.  It's a lesson to keep a reality check, and to communicate well with others.  And also to guard yourself in constructive ways.  You are not bound to a person if you don't have their ring on your finger, nor are they bound to you.  (Insert a "check yourself before you wreck yourself" here.)  And conversations need to take place (appropriate to match where your relationship is...even if it's on an acquaintance level) in order to make sure expectations are aligned...even if it's a "hey, I think that I may be beginning to think of you more than just a friend".  If the guy goes running for the hills, he's definitely not ready.  You have to release it.  But, I did feel good about being truthful with myself and realizing where I desire to be in a relationship.

Oh, the life of a single woman  ;)

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Grad's not for the faint of heart

I am not going to lie...the previous week was a bit heavy.  The week before that was as well because at the same time I was dealing with scheduling an appointment to see my cardiologist because of a concern, I also found out that the three (YES, THREE!) community colleges that I enrolled in classes for summer school and worked my butt off in the past two months just so I could get a good registration for the Fall semester didn't offer my last pre-requisite that I needed in the evening this Fall.  *Insert a sucker punch here*.  Then, I went to my "Plan B" and double checked to make sure California Baptist still offered the online lecture and weekend lab class for said pre-requisite.  They had just taken away that Fall class two weeks prior because they didn't have enough teachers.  **Insert a fierce left hook ** So I am now going to Plan C, which involves taking this last class I need at a private school for health science.  It's a class that is on Saturday & Sunday from 8:30am-6:30pm for eight weeks straight...and it's about 35 minutes away from my house.  It's okay y'all.  I've made my peace with it, realizing that no matter which class I take it's going to be a sacrifice.  The End.  It is all working out and will even be beneficial to take the class right before I have a nursing school entrance test to take while the material from the class is still fresh in my mind.

Anyway, I had my cardiologist appointment.  I decided to do research and find a doctor who is a lot closer to me.  Turns out, I like her even more than my UCLA doctor (ssshh, don't tell my previous cardiologist) and she works alongside that doctor one week out of each month.  It really is the best situation.  And after getting an echocardiogram, she thought that there weren't any concerns with my aorta enlarging.  Praise God!

My mind was spinning during all of this, and after.  I went into going to church this past Sunday still having a lot on my mind and feeling the impact of all this.  And after getting the hits regarding school, I was really feeling discouraged and questioning a lot.  I was talking with God, and I knew that I needed prayer to get out of my own head but couldn't do it by myself.  I decided to take a leap of faith and get prayer from the prayer team at church for someone walk alongside me with this.  Two women prayed for me and were used by God to speak to me.  It was just what I needed.  They spoke peace, reassurance and I didn't even have to tell them much of anything about what was going on.  They even had a vision of me just having fresh air breathing into my lungs.  Then, this week has been amazing with making so much progress with applying to graduate school.  It felt so very good and like such a breakthrough!

All of this to say, I felt the power of prayer.  And I was wondering if you guys would continue to be in prayer for me and with me during this time of being challenged, really having to depend on God and rise to the occasion.  In the next three months I am needing to: take this pre-requisite class, take the GRE, take the TEAS test and apply to FIVE GRADUATE SCHOOLS!  Yeah, I think it's an understatement to say that I have a lot going on.  But I know that if I ask God everyday, He will be with me alongside this and guide me along the way.  I would love and adore your support.  Would you be willing to partner in prayer with me during this?


Sunday, July 28, 2013

More updates

Thank you all for your prayers.  My doctors don't think that my aorta has enlarged as much as they previously thought, but I am actually going to get an echocardiogram this week to be sure.  If you could be praying for that, I'd really appreciate it!  I know that God is big, miraculous and supernatural.  It is such a desire of my heart (no pun intended...kinda, haha) for a miracle to happen even this week where it would shrink.  My faith may only be a mustard seed, but it is there.  And I believe.  I want my God to show doctors and myself how big He is.
 Another prayer request that I have, if it's not too much to ask, is about school.  I've hit some roadblocks that are making things a little more difficult.  Thankfully though, they are not deterring me from actually applying to grad school at the end of the year.  It feels tough though.  I won't felt like a blow.  But not one that knocked me down for long.  My prayer would just be guidance from the Father and direction from Him.  And that He would be first, not my own plans.

Well, I will give you another update after my tests on Thursday!  I pray you all have a blessed week.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

2 Years Later: Then & Now

2 years ago this week, my life was kind of rocked.  Two huge events happened in one of them was finding out my aorta was enlarged at a Turner Syndrome conference.  I went to the same annual TS conference this weekend.  And I received another echocardiogram from the same cardiologist.  It looks like I have to go in for some more testing because my aorta may have gotten even more dialated.  The echo I had this weekend was a great marker, but I may need to get another MRI. I am working with my cardiologist at UCLA and the Dr. who did the echo at the conference to determine all of this.  And I am so grateful for the Turner Syndrome society for putting the conference on to make women with TS more aware of concerns and help them by bringing in the most knowledgeable medical professionals and up to date information. I am beyond blessed to have this preventative care before something significant happened with my health, and I can monitor it.  If you could all be in prayer about the comparisons of the measurements that the doctors are looking at and the wisdom and ability to see if there are any more concerns.

Well, on a more lively note, the conference wasa a huge blast!  So much insight and useful information.  So much fun spending time with women I have an immediate bond with and understanding of.  We even danced the night away after attending sessions all day.  The Turnee Syndrome Society of the US is really doing a wonderful job helping others, creating connections and networks, and creating a great support group.

Thanks for reading, and I will be trying to post more regularly & keep an update about my heart too.  Peace & love

Saturday, June 1, 2013

I am Squidward

Life has seemed to have a good amount of challenges lately.  In a way that is a bit of a sucker punch to the gut.  If I am honest, it's been a difficult two years with moments of less chaos and mess than others.  Things for be directly have been good in terms of work and school.  There are a lot of relational challenges happening right now. But I'm seeing God working through them and having his hand and it all for a long time. One of them being my family.  After a whirlwind two years behaviors and dynamic have gotten wonky.  My eyes have now been opened to the ways in which I have been seen like Squidward on Spongebob to the rest of my family. There...I said it!  Or, I can also be liked to Joan Cusak's character in the movie "Raising Helen".  You know the one I'm talking about...the sister who is the epitemy of a mom and loves flowers, potpourri and knitting.  But she can put kids in line with just a look.  Not that how I am made is bad, but these relationships have gotten too much into a funk.

He is also convicting me in so many aspects of my faith.  And I sense this huge stirring in me.  I know it's a work of the Holy Spirit because I can't even explain it.  I will just be super convicted of thing, or start to tear up about a certain matter -- like at this amazing conference with the Spirit filled Jen Hatmaker (  If you could be keeping all that in prayer as long as well as school. I'm taking summer school classes and in upping the ante with the schools I'm considering applying for it by the end of year and really doing my part and keeping my heart and options open.

On a lighter note, I am trying to incorporate more fun into my life.  And I definitely got to this week with one of the dearest, truest, funniest, real and beautiful friend and sister in Christ, Jen.  I went with her and her husband to their first Fiction Family concerts.  It was a blast to spend the day with Jen in San Diego and then go to the concert.

Happy weekend y'all!

Monday, May 20, 2013


I'm needing to go to bed, so I can't write very much.  However, this has been a tough week or so for me, in significant ways.  And tonight was also a bit tough.  Will explain more later.  Praying for some good rest.

Friday, May 10, 2013


Lately, I have been more aware of how I am feeling.  It's a good thing.  Could also be due to being tired and maybe that isn't so great.  In the last few weeks, I have been feeling kind of alone, and at times lonely.  My heart longs for community and relationship, but it feels lacking.  That is why I say I feel alone, because everyone I know is so busy and living their own life and it's enable connections to be formed.  It's difficult and a let down to want to go deeper and just spend more quality time with someone, but it doesn't happen.  Not to say this isn't happening at all, but it's either few and far between or with far away friends where I don't have the ability to spend time with them in person.  However, I am asking God to search my heart in all this and I am drawing closer to Him.  And speaking the truth His promises real in my own heart and mind.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

A late night post: Focusing on what is present & what is good

Lately, I have been in a very interesting spot.  I am feeling more & more convicted about certain things that God is working on in my life.  And I have also felt this sense lately to write.  Instead of blogging to do so, I have been journaling.  Seems to be a way to seek God more intentionally and go deeper into matters of my heart.

I've been in a funny spot too where I really have a longing for community...along with having a good amount more free time in my schedule.  To be honest, it is definite not very easy.  Disappointing in fact.  I've made attempts to connect with people I care about, all with unmet promises.  However, there are people that reciprocate the desire to connect and maintain a friendship.  And I choose to focus in those.  I have been able to have a good conversation with a wise person in my life who has given me some great advice about seeking community.  It will mean being open and vulnerable; it is always times where you are stretched, have to go outside of your own abilities and step out in faith where God can really be at work and do something quite beautiful and change things around in ways you just couldn't plan on your own :-)

Monday, November 19, 2012

To The Max

Oh, hey there Internet.  I'm making an appearance again.  Thought I'd drop in and get comfortable for a little while.  I've been feeling worked to the max -- between my actual job, school, doing extra babysitting, the holidays, family and leading a team to India.  My mind is at full capacity.  It's times like this when I feel overwhelmed by more things than normal and I find a depletion of the joy in my heart.  Because I tend to look at the big picture of things and want to get to the big finale, I feel the sufficance and heaviness and being purposefully in everything.  It's a lot for tiny little me.  Then the stress just seems to spiral and I end up not being able to be as successful in any of it.  But, I am thankful because tonight I feel like after hitting a (metaphoric) wall this late morning and afternoon I did some praying and leaning on God.  And it feels like prayers have been answered.  I feel like things are lighter, joyful and hopeful (even though these things were never hopeless, I've just been stressed).  I've decided that instead of going to other means to find my strength, peace, comfort and joy, I am going to continue to lean on God, pray through things, and also write.  Not find comfort in doing more, looking inward or doing such things as eating more.  I feel better already, and feel like I am mentally focused and able to study for the test I have tomorrow.  (What, are you surprised I have a test tomorrow? It'll be my 2nd one in 5 days...there is work to be done and tests to kick butt on.  No rest for me right now.)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The time I was Lance Armstrong

I have felt like writing lately.  It's quite therapeutic if you ask me.  And it is a way for me to get my thoughts into a coherent stream. There is just something about putting the thought onto the proverbial paper.  Also, I want to be vulnerable, transparent & share.
To be honest, I'm overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, God's love and faithfulness.  I'm not an emotional person, but it's made me feel emotional lately.  One reason is that I have waited for God's timing to go back to India.  You probably know this if you have been around my blog form a while, or know me at all.  Haha.  Anyway, I am going back in March.  It has been a true dream the past few months and weeks as to who God has orchestrated to be apart of the team that I am going with.  I am amazed at how God is faithful and answers prayers.  Down to even the specialties of the individuals who are applying to be on the team being diverse (as the other leader & I have been praying for)
and their vision.
Another thing is how well school is going.  Despite having the setback of not getting into the last pre-req that I need for nursing school this semester, I am doing well in the one pre-req I am taking this semester.  It makes me believe even more that God knows what he is doing, because it would haven probably been too much to take multiple upper division chemistry/biology classes while working full time.  (Like maybe on the verge of insanity.). Because this class is requiring a lot.

Lastly. I have gotten some good news about my health.  As a completely elective and voluntary measure, I did a stress echocardiogram about two weeks ago.  Which was an experience that I could dedicate a whole blog post to.  Try running on a treadmill with a hospital gown on (aka, with no bra) hooked up to electrodes and headgear with an oxygen mask. Then they increase speed and incline every three minutes.  Anyway, the results came out outstanding.  My aorta functions perfectly normal even thought it is enlarged.  And during exercise (the "stress" part) showed that I am getting above normal amounts of oxygen.  I thought, "I guess my exercising is paying off".  When I saw my cardiologist, he was so enthusiastic and happy about the results.  He even went as far to say I was his "Lance Armstrong".  My thoughts were, "Well, not exactly".  Haha.  What this means is that not only are there few concerns about my aorta enlarged, and is very managed.  But also, if I (and the man that I marry one day) ever wanted to carry a baby, I actually could.  I would not be at any risks.  It took me some time afterwards, but HELLO answered prayer!  There have been people praying for my heart for over a year now.  Specifically for healing.  If this isn't an answered prayer, I don't know what is.

Isn't God just so good!  I mean, beyond measure.  And if it's not too much to ask, could you be comtinuing to pray for me?  For the India trip(included the planning of it all, and that God would work all the planning out) and for school too (because the lab part of my class is a point of frustration for me)!

Thank you for reading, listening, praying and being apart of all this. I'd love to hear from you, so go ahead and leave a comment!  I'd love to pray for you too!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Honest Ramblings of the Heart

I'm dusting off this 'ole bloggity blog.  Haven't had time to write lately.  Also, I have teetered between having writers block and having a lot to write about and not knowing where to start.  It seems like a lot has happened.  And at the same time, things in my life are mostly the same.  I know, this is all very vague thinking and writing.  I'll get down to what I have in mind to write about.

I feel the human heart/soul is almost a mysterious thing.  I am almost 26, and I feel like I am just beginning to even realize this.  What has prompted me to write this is how my heart has been dealing with family stuff that has happened a little more than a year ago (and is still going on).  When it first happened, I was in shock.  At the same time, I felt strong and close in relationship with the Father.  He definitely has carried me through it.  But now, I feel like my heart is being impacted by the hurt even more.  Like the dust has settled and the mess is a little more obvious.  It is feeling vulnerable and not as strong.  The short of it is that it has left me feeling a bit lonely, short fused, unable to handle other hardships to the best of my ability, dwelling on the worst parts of people, and also defensive.  Defensive in the sense that I feel as if I have some good people in my life who are a huge support l, but I feel that many others I care about have been a bit ambivalent and that makes me feel as if they don't exactly care.  It's like going into battle already wounded. It doesn't feel this way all the time, but it happens and it doesn't feel good.  And my reaction is to not share and to become a bit reclusive.  This is not good, because being a student while working full time already means that I am a reclusive a lot of the time. Haha.  And then I get into a funk where all I can react to is how I am feeling, when I full well know that that the very person who I have decided doesn't care has got their own pile of crud going on too.  An example of this is how in a marriage, a husband and wife can have their own stressors individually, and instead of coming together and relying on each other for support they become less available and check out.  This is one thing I am passionate to fight against!  I want honestly and unity in all important relationships and especially within the Church.  Anyway, I know that darkness is overrun by the Light.  And I am praying even more intently for light to shine through.  In the meantime, remember that the person you are dealing with who seems like they are having a hard time or may not seem themselves needs some grace.  Or if your friend is going through a tough time, just be there for them to talk when they are ready or can actually but words to what is going on--but mostly just be threre.  Plan a night out with your friend, take them to do something life giving.  I'm going to try to remember that too, and hopefully it will help the light continue to shine in my heart.

"Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful." Colossians 3:13-15 NLT

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I'm baaaaack

Seven and a half months is a perfect amount of time in between blog posts, right?  Even the website I use to publish posts has changed dramatically.  This is the part where I am suppose to say how busy I've been and how hectic life is.  And yes, it is.  But I'm also really trying to narrow things down to what really matters and is important to me.  I love writing, but I've really focused even more on school. And believe it or not, it's paid off!  I've been getting my prerequisites done & doing well in them!  I'm focusing even more on the important relationships in my life.  Also, I'm focusing on really talking to God everyday, praying to Him, putting my faith in Him and trying to listen to His daily.  It's definitely not easy.  It's like exercising or doing a have to practice and stretch your muscles.

Two God size things are happening in my life.  They're big praise reports!  First, I am making plans to go back to India!!!  Oh, how I've missed India & Harvest India so much.  I've been working a lot with the medical missions team at my church, and they are all in with the idea of taking the first medical team for our church to India.  It will also be the first medical trip Harvest India has ever had visit.  We are in the stages of planning the parts of the trip and deciding who would be best fit to be on the team.  So big and exciting though, because I've been waiting on this for two years and it seems that God would have this trip happen in the near future.

The second exciting thing going on has to do with school.  I'm so close to being completely finished with the prerequisites for the Entry Level Masters of Science in Nursing program.  So close in fact, that I decided to apply to take a combined Organic Chemistry and Biochemistry class at the graduate school I want to get into so that I could finish at the end of the Fall semester.  That way I would be able to have all my requirements done to apply for the 2013 grad program (and hopefully get in)!  It's been sort of a rollercoaster of events because I knew that I didn't have many more classes to take, but I was under the impression that I have more time.  That however isn't the case if I want to apply to start graduate school as soon as possible.  And about two weeks ago, I was attending an informational meeting for the program and got this big "oh crap, I gotta be moving even faster!" kick in the butt.  So, if y'all could be praying for these things.  And I'll definitely come back and give you an update in a week and a half or two to let you know how the nursing school acceptance is going!