Thursday, June 19, 2014

A Twinkle In My Eye

There have been two things stirring in me lately. The first thing is something hard to admit. Hard to talk about. I feel like it's a bit of a funny thing to bring up; but it's something in my heart that my spirit is gravitating towards. As I've written about before, I was born with a chromosomal abnormality called Turner Syndrome. There are many complications that can go along with it, and thankfully I have had to deal with very minimal complications. One of the things that is an outcome of having Turner Syndrome is infertility. Basically, if I ever wanted to have children of my own I would need to have some sort of infertility treatment. I have always been okay with this, and have always been a HUGE advocate for adoption. Deep in my heart it has been something that I've felt so strongly for. And truly it just seems like an absolutely beautiful picture of God caring for orphans and those who can't fend for themselves. I've always thought that my family would be made in a "non-biological" way. It is still a very exciting & precious thought for me. 
To bring it back to what I have been feeling lately though, is a sense of grief regarding the fact that I will not be able to have the option to also be pregnant and carry a child. I grieve the fact that something this is so commonplace is something that I will not be able to experience. I'm sure that this process is taking place more prominently now because last year my cardiologist & I had a heart to heart and she shared that it would be a risk for my heart to have the stress of carrying a baby. So, it's one of those "it wasn't an issue before, but now that I'm told I can't have it, I think it would at least be nice to have the option. The thoughts that I've been thinking lately that are part of this process in my own soul gets brought up when I see friends and people I know get pregnant and get to experience the love and support of others along the way. They have baby showers and baby announcements. There is a natural progression and sequence of events for this thing that happens in a persons life. 
But, I wonder what it will look like when I (hopefully) start a family one day. How will my friends and family respond if/when I actually adopt...not just being on board with the idea of it. Will they realize this is how my family is starting & find ways to come around me and help me start the journey of having a family. Will I even get to see the sweet child I adopt as a tiny babe? Will I get the (challenging) privileged of late night feedings and diaper changes? Or soothing the bad dreams of a toddler? Or hearing cute little footsteps down the hallway coming towards my room to crawl into bed with my and their daddy? If it's not obvious, I just absolutely love kids.
Love shaping & mold them. Love pouring into them. Getting to have an infant, toddler & elementary school child is such a unique time filled with seeing life in it's beautiful, dependent & innocent form. The specifics of this part of my life are unknown, and that it what makes it hard. And I guess that I am leaving space for my heart to move towards whatever amazing plan God has for me. To get past my own tiny little box of what I think is the best God has for me so that He can show me the vast universe of beauty and awe that He has created and has planned for me to be apart of His Kingdom advancing here on earth. A kingdom of healing, peace, restoration & love. In addition, I am going to look at every little blessing/miracle in my life that I do get to experience and not ever forget them. And I will wait and see how this "twinkle in my eye" actually pans out to look like.
Secondly, I have this big sense to do something new. I feel like I have (fundamentally) been doing the same thing for at least half my, work, church, more school...repeat. But I want to meet new people...go to a new in an entirely new place. And travel too! I guess it's a sense of wanderlust and wanting to spread my wings after not really having done so in my life. I've lived in Orange County my entire life. A girl can want a little change of scenery, right?